TW: Sexual assault, death.
What happens when a family member is your assaulter? How do you seek vengeance for the acts that have been committed? How do you truly unwind the generational patterns of abuse in your family? Here's the conclusion my deceased grandmother and I came to.
Dear Grandfather,
We haven’t seen each other or spoken in quite some time. Since childhood, I’ve always been able to see and hear things in the spiritual realm, much like Grandmother was able to. Often, I encounter the spirits of those who are deceased when they have a message to pass along to a loved one or are looking for some type of closure. It’s honestly a blessing and a curse. I’m sure that sounds crazy to you, and you may not believe me, but that’s okay, most people are skeptical, as they should be.
Recently, Grandmother has been making appearances to me, though, and to be sure I wasn’t just seeing and hearing things I wanted to, because I’m very skeptical myself and always want to ensure the integrity and accuracy of messages I receive, I hired a fellow psychic medium who is very highly rated and regarded, and I’m lucky enough to now call a friend. I gave them zero information about who we would be speaking to or what messages I was looking to receive in the session so that it wasn’t possible for them to make anything up or be swayed by external insights. They pinpointed everything about Grandmother, all the way down to her scent, her health issues, and her ultimate cause of death. After being certain she was present with us, we had a lovely conversation with her.
She mentioned how lonely you were and how you don’t receive letters and phone calls very often, and that a hand-written letter might bring you some comfort. She also made the point that there were a lot of people who were hurt by you over the years, such as myself, herself, and your children, and even recently, it was brought up that there were multiple women caregivers who you’ve mistreated too.
But she also said you were hurt by things done to you by your mother; never processed, never healed, and creating a need for control to counter the sins of the past. True justice and retribution, though, isn’t an eye for an eye as many people believe, but an even opposite that truly balances the scales and ends generational patterns of abuse. The pain inflicted by those who came before you doesn’t justify or excuse the pain that was inflicted on those who came after you—but with that being said, I choose for ancestral cycles of harm to end with me—which requires the compassion and mercy to release the bitterness held toward the past.
Despite everything, Grandmother wants you to know that she loves you, and above all else, that she forgives you and harbors no ill will against you.
She asked that I write you as well, and I’ll admit, I was hesitant, reluctant even.
But I realized that expressing my truth, while simultaneously telling you that I also release you from any guilt or burden that you may still carry, was important to her—and was needed for me and the children who will come after me, too.
She made it very clear that no one deserves to suffer. No one deserves to spend their late-life days wallowing in guilt and shame for wrongdoings they can’t take back. And no one, meaning me or any other survivors, deserves to forever hold onto feelings of resentment and anger which would only continue to be passed down in our bloodline.
So, in this letter, I want to take a brief detour to remind you of good moments and good people. I want to remind you of falling in love with Grandmother in high school. I want to remind you of getting ice cream at the little shop in town when our family would come visit. I want to remind you of fishing in the pond down the hill from the house and dodging stepping in cow patties along the way. I want to remind you of the rare dinners and celebrations that everyone would travel to the farmhouse for. I want to remind you of loyal puppies that grew into excellent hunting dogs. I want to remind you of all the little moments that brought joy to the people in your life, and maybe to you too.
For me, my joyful moments in life are found with my best friend and spouse, they are found in our dog we rescued, the kittens we’ve been bottle raising after they were abandoned by their mother, the books that I’ve written and published, the volunteer work we do to support foster youth, and everything in between.
Joy is found in those tiny magickal moments where there is love and there is hope and there is a sense of pride in all of the hard work that’s been put into something you care about.
And I know you can relate, and would’ve felt those same feelings of happiness with the animals you cared for, the land and crops you tended to, and the like. So, remember those moments, and cherish them. Because Grandmother certainly did, and she cherished you as well.
And despite any feelings or emotions I have about what has been done in the past, my obligation to honor the dead, and the messages they so graciously entrust to me and other mediums, I hold in the highest regard.
So, I encourage you to find peace, to find closure, and to find forgiveness for yourself and with others before the end of your human life—because that’s where true healing and restoration are found.
Remember, only you can choose to break the generational patterns of abuse that were passed down to you, perpetuated by you, and in turn, passed on to your descendants. And in the same way, only I can choose to cut off those elements of our DNA, and both retroactively and proactively heal what's been done by you and those before you, by choosing to not participate in the harmful cycle any longer. Today, I choose compassion for myself and those who come after me by extending it to you. Though you may never choose to change and you may never choose to heal, the door is in front of you.
As a lover of Nemesis, the goddess of divine retribution, I can confidently say that true justice, especially in the cosmic sense is about even opposites to balance the scales. An eye for an eye is only the same crime committed twice, a further escalation of one harmful act with a second one. Whereas true justice requires an even and opposite energy to counterbalance the original imbalanced energy—and as much as I didn't want it to be, compassion seemed like the key opposite to abuse.